


ashes, ashes

by lediter



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Allura (Voltron)-centric, Allura deals with the aftermath of the destruction of her planet, Angst, Black Paladin Allura (Voltron), Canon Compliant, Coping, Flashbacks, I stray from canon a little because I hate how the writers handled some things, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, and some referenced, but mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 20:10:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10556990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lediter/pseuds/lediter
Summary: ten thousand years is a long time. a planet is a lot to lose.a study on allura.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all! so there's an appalling lack of allura-centric fics on this website, which confuses me because she is such a complex character, so i sought to remedy that. 
> 
>  
> 
> this was a total vent piece and may seem a bit disjointed at parts, but that was intentional. also, it strays from canon at some points to fit what i think should have happened, but it's 95% true to canon.
> 
> anyway, hope you enjoy!
> 
> (i listened to _A Rush Of Blood To The Head_ by Coldplay a lot while writing this)

_**IX.** _

_“If all goes well, I will see you again soon.”_

_**Pause.** _

* * *

_**X.** _

_She dreamt of bombshells and firestorms. Lasers that fell like rain from the sky. A friend turned enemy. She heard their screams. She felt their pain. She watched it all turn to ash._

* * *

_**XI.** _

_**Play.**_

She took her first breath in ten thousand years, and it was like a dam broke. 

_-needtoformVoltronimmediatelyIthinkretreatwouldbeanegregiousmistakeweneedtoactNOW-_

“Father!”

Adrenaline flooded her system, and her eyes snapped open. Every muscle in her body was tense, prepared for a fight that had long since ended. Explosions still rang in her ears, and in her mind she saw scenes of invading fleets and smoke-filled skies. 

She took a step forward, ready to run, to attack, to find answers, but found her legs useless. She collapsed into the arms of a stranger with round ears who blinked down at her like _he_ was the one with a right to be confused.

“Get off me!” she barked, breaking free of his hold. “Who are all of you, where- where is my father? The Galra are-”

Their blank faces told her. The fact that she was in the cryo room told her. The silence told her. A sick, heavy feeling spread through her stomach.

“We… we don’t know what you’re talking about,” the tallest creature said, but she wasn’t listening. 

She knew. 

She checked the computer anyway. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe this was all a misunderstanding. Maybe this was all a bad dream. 

She read the date on the screen once. Twice. Five times. “No,” she whispered. 

“Princess, are you alright?” it was Coran, rushing over to her with worried eyes and frost sparkling on his mustache.

Seeing him flooded her with relief. She wouldn’t be alone. She didn’t have to face it herself. 

“Coran, we’ve been asleep for _ten thousand years_.”

* * *

_**VI.** _

_"Allura," he said suddenly, shattering the comfortable silence that had fallen between them._

_They were barely teenagers, and they'd been banished from the Council by their fathers. "Official Voltron business," was the excuse, as it often was nowadays. After being shooed from the room, they'd resigned themselves to lying on the floor of a nearby balcony and staring up at the night sky._

_"Hm?"_

_"Do you... Are you ever afraid you'll never be as good of a leader as your father?"_

_She turned to look at him, blue eyes locking with yellow, an identical fear reflected in both. "All the time."_

* * *

_**XIII.** _

“Do it again,” she commanded, her thin patience evident in her icy tone.

This was met with grumbled assent and weary sighs.

“Do you think we’re being a little too hard on them? This is quite the shock for them after all,” Coran said.

She didn’t answer, keeping her eyes glued to the screen. They were watching the new paladins bumble their way through learning the controls of their lions, a painful process that had been going on for hours.

She watched as the five lions took off and slowly, ever so slowly, executed the set of moves she’d assigned to them. After half a day, they had finally managed to fly in a semi-organized battle formation.

The paladins were ecstatic; their exclamations of celebration loud over the comms, sounding like they had already succeeded in bringing down the Galra Empire instead of completing a basic-level flight drill intended for children. 

It wasn’t enough. Zarkon had had ten thousand years to conquer and build and grow. She had five amateurs in robotic cats.

The old paladins-

“They’re not the old paladins, Allura,” Coran said softly, as if he could read her thoughts. “Your father, Ilaver, Asobru, Kurad… They had years to master control of the lions, not to mention they all played a big role in the design process of the machines themselves.”

“And I understand that, Coran, but we don’t have years. We have days, hours maybe. We don’t have time to allow them to absorb a little culture shock.”

“Princess,” it was Shiro, voice staticky through the comms, “I feel like we’ve gotten a pretty good grasp on this drill, I think it’s time that we move-”

“Do it again,” she said. “It needs to be perfect.”

* * *

_**IV.** _

_He stood over her, forming a gun out of his fingers and aiming it directly at her heart. “Bang,” he said, a grin spreading across his face. “The Galra Empire wins again.”_

* * *

_**XIV.** _

She walked into the control room, tablet in hand. “Coran, I’ve think I’ve finalized the list of castle repairs.”

“Let’s hear it then,” he said, pausing in his furious typing. He’d been working all morning to restart the flight controls, which were a bit outdated after ten thousand years. 

“First and foremost, we’ll need to improve the particle barrier. It was badly damaged during the war, and in its current state there’s no way it will hold up against more than a blast or two.”

He nodded. “We’ll need more iridrium for that, but that’s pretty easy to come by.”

“Okay, I suppose I’ll have to start a grocery list of sorts,” she said, opening a new window on her tablet. “After the barrier, there are a few support beams in the Left Wing that appear to have been damaged. I’m not sure exactly how to go about repairing them, but I figured we could ask Kurad to-” she stopped, eyes growing wide as she realized what she said. 

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. There was no Kurad because he was dead. They were all dead. The two of them were the only ones left. 

“It’s okay,” Coran told her, taking her hand and squeezing it. “I forget sometimes, too.”

She nodded slowly, swallowing hard. He was dead. Kurad was dead.

* * *

_**II.** _

_“Do you think I’ll get to pilot a lion one day?” she asked as Asobru braided her hair. Allura liked when Asobru did her hair; she never pulled too tight or yelled at her to sit still._

_“Oh, definitely,” Asobru said. “It all depends on the compatibility of quintessence, of course, but I think you’ve got all the right stuff. Maybe you’ll take over Red when I’m an old lady.”_

_“Hm, I don’t know, Squirt,” Ilaver said. “I don’t think your little arms could reach the controls.”_

_She stuck her tongue out at him, giggling when he made a face at her._

_“Tease her all you want, Ilaver,” Kurad said, tugging fondly on on of her finished braids, “but I have a feeling that our little Allura still has a lot of growing to do.”_

* * *

_**XV.** _

She lay on her back, eyes glued to the ceiling.

 _Allura_ , they whispered. 

She squeezed her eyes shut, praying that they would go away, that they would leave her alone for just one night.

 _Allura, why did you let us die?_

They’d visited her every night since she’d woken up. The old paladins; Asobru, Kurad, and Ilaver, her handmaidens, the castle gardener, the entire population of Altea. 

_Allura, why didn’t you save us?_

“I tried,” she croaked, throat dry. She said the same thing every night. 

_Allura, why didn’t you try harder?_

“I did everything I could,” she said, tears spilling from her still-closed eyes. She was afraid that if she opened them she would see them, thousands of ghosts hovering over her bed. “I didn’t know… I didn’t know he would…”

_Allura, how could you do this to us?_

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m SORRY!” she screamed, throwing a hand over her mouth to muffle her sobs.

_Allura, why are you crying?_

* * *

_**VIII.** _

_“I wish you wouldn’t cry,” her father said, gently brushing her tears away with his thumbs. “It hurts me to see you so sad.”_

* * *

_**XVI.** ___

“Have you been sleeping alright, Princess?” Shiro asked her at breakfast one morning.

Her hand tightened around the spoon she was holding. “I’m sleeping perfectly well, thank you Shiro,” she said, smiling.

Shiro looked skeptical, but didn’t say anything. She’d bent the spoon in half. She was still smiling.

* * *

_**III.** _

_“What does ‘vrepit sa’ mean?” she asked one day._

_The two of them were sitting side-by-side on the edge of the fountain outside of the castle, dangling their feet in the cool water._

_“Well, it’s an ancient Galran term of respect that loosely translates to ‘your butt.’”_

_She scowled, splashing some water at him as he laughed. “You’re so immature!”_

_“Okay, okay, stop splashing me, I’m getting all wet!” he cried. She ceased her hydro-attack, but he continued to giggle for another minute. “Oh man, you should have seen your face!”_

_“Ha, ha,” she deadpanned. “What does it actually mean?”_

_“It means ‘it is done.’”_

* * *

_**XVII.** _

She started at the sound of knocking on her door, immediately straightening her posture and wiping her eyes. “Who’s there?” she called, wincing at the sound of her voice, thick with emotion.

“It’s me, Hunk,” came the reply.

“Oh, hello, Hunk. Come in,” she said.

He entered, carrying a mug of juniberry tea in each hand, and the kind gesture was almost enough to send her into another fit of tears. 

“Thank you, Hunk,” she said, blinking rapidly and accepting the cup from him. “This is my favorite kind of tea.”

“Coran told me,” Hunk said, climbing onto her bed and sitting cross-legged beside her. “It smells kind of like pomegranate tea from home. Do you guys have anything like pomegranates? They’re these fruits that you crack open and eat the seeds inside.”

“That sounds similar to a caraset, though those are quite sour,” she mused, taking a drink.

She always used to drink juniperberry tea with her father. The sweet taste reminded her of many carefree afternoons spent in the flower field behind the castle. 

They sat in silence for a moment, sipping on their tea, before Hunk spoke again. “My mom died three years ago. She… She was hit by a drunk driver on her way home from work and killed instantly.”

The pain on his face surprised her; she wasn’t used to seeing him without a smile. “Hunk, you don’t have to-”

“I’m not done yet,” he said, holding up a finger. “After she died, I became super closed off. I internalized a lot of my feelings, and they were really eating away at me, and… and if I hadn’t met Lance later that year, I don’t know what I would have done. Anyway, the point is, I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone in this. I want you to know that you can come to me with-”

She cut him off by throwing her arms around his neck, spilling her tea all over her bedsheets. This time, she didn’t try to stop the tears when they came. “Thank you, Hunk,” she choked. 

He nodded, pulling her into one of his too-tight hugs and rubbing little circles on her back. 

“I miss him,” she whispered. “I miss him so, so much.”

* * *

_**V.** _

_“You’re going to do great things one day, Allura,” he told her, hand cupping her cheek._

_She looked up at him, the Black Paladin of Voltron, with nothing short of complete admiration in her eyes._

* * *

_**XVIII.** _

When she saw him, something inside her snapped, and she charged. She was quickly stopped by the witch, rendered immobile by her magic.

“Allura,” he said, and his voice was enough to make her blood boil. “Is that really the way to greet an old friend?”

The witch dropped her without warning, sending her crashing into the floor, but her eyes never left his, not once. She wanted him to see her. She wanted him to remember.

“You’ve gotten taller since the last time I saw you,” he remarked, taking a step closer to her, hand outstretched.

She recoiled, flinching away as if burned. “Don’t touch me!” she spat, baring her teeth at him. 

He sighed, dropping his hand. “I see you haven’t changed in ten thousand years. All that fire… You truly are your father’s daughter.”

“You have no right to speak of my father,” she said. “You are a traitor, and a murderer, and-”

“And what?” he interrupted, glaring down at her. “And you’ve sent your fragile little earthlings after me? Are you so naive to think that after ten thousand years, Voltron could kill me? It’s almost insulting to be underestimated in such a way.”

“I promise you that Voltron will not be the one to bring you down,” she said, raising her chin defiantly. “I will.”

* * *

_**XII.** _

_She wonders how it ended. How it all went down._

_Did it end how it started, with the paladins, side by side, one last time? Could they even fight him, their brother, their leader? Was it a bitter fight to the end? Was it bloody? Were they scared? Was it quick? Did they try to reason with him? Did he kill them himself? Did they scream? Did he feel any remorse? Did they still love him, even at the end?_

_She wonders what she would have done in their position. She was supposed to be there, too. She should have died by their side, too. Would she have been brave? Would she have-_

* * *

_**XIX.** _

“Not him,” she whispered, clutching an infant Coran to her chest. The end of the wormhole was in sight. “Not him, too.”

She wasn’t sure who she was talking to. The wormhole, maybe. The universe, perhaps. Either way, she received no answer. Just the blaring of the castle alarm system, warning her of the inevitable collision with the black void at the end of the corrupted wormhole. 

“He’s all I have left,” she choked out, a tear escaping from her eye. “Please.”

Coran squirmed in her arms, as if he could sense her unrest and was trying to comfort her, even in this state.

She smiled, wiping at her tears with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry, Coran. You mean so much to me, and I never tell you how much I appreciate all you do for me. You-you’ve been like a… like a father to me, and-”

Her heart stuttered as a signal popped up on the control panel, a weak GPS marker signifying the location of the Green Lion. _Pidge._

She locked onto the location with shaking hands, only remembering to breathe when a new wormhole finally opened up before her. 

Letting out a sort of strangled sob, she stepped back from the control panel and sank to her knees. She hugged Coran again, cradling him as he had her when she was an infant, trying in vain to stop herself from crying. 

“You can’t have him,” she said, to the wormhole, to the universe.

The alarms continued to sound. The castle plunged into the portal headfirst, and the cycle was broken.

* * *

_**VII.** _

_“There are Galra ships attacking the southern province,” her father said, addressing the Council. His voice was strong, and his face neutral, but Allura saw how his hands trembled ever-so slightly. “The Black Lion is among them.”_

* * *

_**XX.** _

She knew that logically, nothing had changed. Logically, if nothing had changed, nothing should be different. But it was.

Keith had stuttered out a confession in a way that was so very un-Keith, all shaking hands, cracking voice, and averted eye contact.

“I… I’m part Galra.”

When those words left his mouth, something inside her clenched unpleasantly. She couldn’t help the way her hands curled into fists, the way her gaze hardened, the cold sensation that seized her heart. 

She left the room without a word. She had nothing to say. 

_“I’m part Galra.”_

The race that obliterated her home, her people, her family, her whole way of life. The race that had continued to do the same to other planets for ten thousand years. 

Over the next few days, they danced around each other. He retreated further into his broody shell, casting mournful glances her way when he thought she wasn’t looking. She was. She met each of his stares with indifference.

He wanted support, acceptance. She couldn’t give him that. How could she?

“He didn’t know, Allura,” Shiro told her. “He didn’t know. He’s not one of them.”

She knew that. Of course she knew that. But the principle was still there; he was part Galra. That couldn’t be helped, but it didn’t make it any less true. 

“He’s still Keith,” Shiro insisted.

Keith, reckless Keith, who couldn’t follow simple orders, who argued with her on every point, who pushed her patience to its limits. 

“He had no part in any of it.”

But what about his mother? What about his grandparents? What about _their_ parents? Did they have a hand in the decimation of Altea? 

“It’s not fair to blame him for something someone else did.”

And it was fair to expect her to accept him unconditionally? It was fair to expect her to put aside a genocide in favor of an alliance with a supposed Galran opposition group? 

Sure, she might be wrong in some things, but that did not put him in the right. 

She allowed the tension to build, hoping that he would eventually crack beneath it and come talk with her. However, she soon realized that this plan wouldn’t work because Keith was, well, _Keith_. He would sooner curl up inside himself and die than confront any situation that involved emotions. 

So after five days, she broke the silence, cornering him in the hangar after a minor skirmish with a few Galra scout ships.

“Keith,” she said, catching him off guard as he emerged from within Red. “We need to talk.”

His eyes flicked to the floor. “P-Princess, yes, I agree, I-”

She held up a hand, stopping him mid-stammer. “First things first, I don’t hate you.”

He blinked. “Really? Because if you did, I wouldn’t blame you, and, um, I don’t expect you to accept that I’m Galra or anything because-”

“Good,” she said, cutting him off a second time. “Because I don’t.” 

He nodded, but she didn’t fail to notice the way his face fell. 

“I don’t right now,” she continued, “but maybe someday I will. You have to understand that the Galra wiped out my entire race. I lost all my friends and family, Keith. The previous Red paladin was like a mother to me. Their deaths aren’t things I’ll be able to forgive for a very long time. Maybe I never will. But that doesn’t change who _you_ are. You’re still the same impulsive, disobedient, loyal, talented Keith, and I accept _that_.”

His lips quirked into a small smile, eyes finally meeting hers. “Thank you, Princess,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry for demanding acceptance from you like that, I know that wasn’t fair.”

She nodded approvingly. “And I’m sorry for my initial reaction,” she said. “I know this revelation has probably been hard on you as well.” 

This felt like a hugging moment, but she didn’t feel particularly inclined to hug him and was sure he felt the same, so she settled for giving his shoulder a quick squeeze. 

“Hurry and get changed out of your paladin armour,” she said. “We have some planning to do.”

* * *

_**I.** _

_She stood in awe, looking up at a shiny, new Black Lion._

_“Beautiful, isn’t she?” her father asked._

_Allura nodded, unable to tear her eyes away. It was almost possible to forget Black was a weapon of mass destruction when she was sitting like this, poised and content._

_“Who knows,” her father said, nudging her side. “Maybe one day it’ll be you in that cockpit.”_

_“You think so?” Allura asked._

_It wasn’t her father that responded, but Black herself, emitting a purr tinged with coy amusement._

_**Who knows?** she said. **Maybe one day.**_

* * *

_**XXI.** _

She stood in resignation, looking up at a battered, war-beaten Black Lion.

Despite all the scratches and nicks and burns she’d acquired, she was still beautiful. There was no way to forget she was a war machine now; it radiated off of her, waves of power that she could feel in her bones.

She felt Zarkon, his passion, his rage. She felt Shiro, his strength, his insecurity. She felt herself, her apprehension, her reluctance.

“I didn’t think it’d be like this,” she admitted aloud. 

_**I did,**_ Black said. _**You were always meant to rise from the ash.**_

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think, i always appreciate feedback!
> 
> peace & blessings
> 
> ~leila 
> 
> i'm **@imnotlesmiserables** on tumblr


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